In need of a laugh?

I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai girl.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."

But she did.

tigerburnie · Post by **tigerburnie** » February 17th, 2011, 1:35 pm

I had 2 lesbians living next door.
We got on well - I used to help them a bit with their garden, car, odd jobs. Nothing much really.

They bought me a Rolex for Christmas!
I was stunned!
When they asked me what I wanted for Christmas, all I said was "I wanna watch."

Mackman15 · Post by **Mackman15** » February 25th, 2011, 4:47 pm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mJ_7SqKxGI

For the day that's in it.

tigerburnie · Post by **tigerburnie** » February 27th, 2011, 5:43 pm

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said.

"No" he replied, "just having a sh*t."

tigerburnie · Post by **tigerburnie** » February 27th, 2011, 5:47 pm

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer brewers have accepted the suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your @rse kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause people in clubs to appear better looking than they actually are.

MarkyDeSad · Post by **MarkyDeSad** » March 1st, 2011, 3:47 pm

A ninety year old man goes to the doctor. Doctor , he says, I can't believe it, my new 18 year old wife is pregnant.

The doctor says, let me tell you a story. A man goes for a walk in the woods. He has his umbrella with him in case of rain. Suddenly a huge bear rears up in front of him, the man points his umbrella at the bear and shouts, Bang! The bear falls to the ground dead with a bullet hole between the eyes.

That's impossible, says the ninety year old, someone else must have shot that bear.

My point exactly, replies the doctor.

tigerburnie · Post by **tigerburnie** » March 5th, 2011, 3:12 pm

After both suffering from depression for a while me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself i started to feel a lot better, so i thought fu*k it, soldier on...

tigerburnie · Post by **tigerburnie** » March 6th, 2011, 4:23 pm

You have to think with a Swedish accent for this one

A man walks into a swedish chemists and says "i would like some deodorant please" "certainly sir", replies the chemist, "ball or aerosol?" "neither", says the customer, "its for my armpits"

leinster80 · Post by **leinster80** » March 6th, 2011, 8:01 pm

http://www.spaceavalanche.com/2010/03/16/paddys-day/

leinster80 · Post by **leinster80** » March 6th, 2011, 8:04 pm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNFfDirB ... dded#at=46

tigerburnie · Post by **tigerburnie** » March 7th, 2011, 3:19 pm

Bloke from Barnsley with a sore bum asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

johng · Post by **johng** » March 7th, 2011, 5:43 pm

tigerburnie wrote:You have to think with a Swedish accent for this one

A man walks into a swedish chemists and says "i would like some deodorant please" "certainly sir", replies the chemist, "ball or aerosol?" "neither", says the customer, "its for my armpits"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sI45Q_Rp11A

1979 or so? I thought it was the pythons from about 10 years earlier. Memory is a funny thing.

Dexter · Post by **Dexter** » March 8th, 2011, 1:11 pm

Tom Stade
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hu7aSEsC6g

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YEBg-i6vNk

leinster80 · Post by **leinster80** » March 8th, 2011, 6:41 pm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTpXymuw ... r_embedded

Babbling 'brook

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